Recap #7: From Inspiration to Reality

As I was cleaning out the no-longer-needed wedding inspiration files on my computer and browser, I was pleased to see how the inspirational images I'd saved - mostly, I think, from that bottomless jar of eye-candy, Style Me Pretty* - were born out in reality.  Though I despaired of ever creating a wedding that could live up to the ethereal images on SMP with a down-to-earth budget, these show that a little ingenuity, and a great photographer, can converge to bring on the pretty.

Inspiration

The relaxed, familial, beach-party feeling of this was just the vibe I wanted...

Reality

We rented enough chairs for all the adults, and spread out beach blankets for the kids.  They got to have fun digging in the sand during the ceremony.

Inspiration

Oooo... the way the blue flags pick up the moody water of the sea....

Reality

Yes, with some bamboo poles from the hardware store, and some flags stitched by Mom (one of our few DIY - or DIFMP [for me, please] - projects), the flags define the wedding space without an altar or other religious symbol.

Inspiration

Sweet, simple bouts.  I'm not so much a fan of roses, and lavender wasn't allowed on the beach because of invasive species restrictions, so we ended up with rosemary (for remembrance) instead.

Reality

Inspiration

I'm a big fan of bright, non-matching wedding party outfits.  My Women of Honor decided that they wanted to match.  For the rest of the ushers and readers, we suggested the wedding colors of persimmon, pomegranate and cobalt blue.  They looked great!

Reality

Inspiration

Bright, bold blooms would energize the rustic setting, and echo the wedding party's bright colors...

Reality

Dahlias were lush, local, and seasonal!

Inspiration

Reality

Ok, one big difference between a SMP wedding and a DIY/ DIT one is the bushels of flowers.  I think we vastly under-ordered on the flowers, but they just weren't important enough to spend gobs of money on.

Inspiration

Reality

 In the final analysis, though, I like my bouquet even more than the inspiration photo!  Even more so because our florist adapted to the strict National Park restrictions to ensure that non-native plants could not invade the park.  (It occurs to me that I have absolutely no idea what happened to it after the wedding - flowers are so ephemeral.  Against all bridal tradition, we might have composted it!  Hopefully, the nutrients are returning to the soil, so that they and the love of that day can nourish flowers for someone else's wedding.)


*I no longer have the links or correct attributions for the inspiration photos.  If one of them is yours, please let me know and I'll post a link or remove, as you request.

Recap #3: An officiant for the pan-religionist and the agnostic

The tradition of marrying within one's faith, as a member of religious community, certainly simplifies the decisions about where and by whom to be married. But what if you're a dabbler in many religions /practitioner of none (me) or an agnostic-leaning-atheist (him)?

We settled the location question with the closest thing we have to religion: a deep, shared love for the outdoors, and chose a place that had personal meaning to us. That it was gorgeous and nearby were huge bonuses.

Now that we had the place, who would preside? This was one of the hardest decisions of the wedding planning process, and the one that took the longest to nail down. We considered a Buddhist teacher I'd met at a retreat once. He had great humor and flair, and plenty of wise insights. But we wanted the wedding to comprise people who really know us, and this teacher probably wouldn't recognize me if we ran into each other on a crowded San Francisco street. Next...

My mother, the ordained minister? A seemingly obvious choice. But I wanted my mom to be my mom that day, not worried about conducting a service, and I didn't want to exclude Eric's non-religious family.

Finally, we settled on each choosing one opposite gender friend to co-officiate (he would select a female friend, I would select a guy). It seemed very balanced and progressive and community-oriented. His friend said 'yes.' I dilly-dallied and procrastinated about asking mine. The summer crept along. Then we found out that his friend was going through a personally challenging time, and wouldn't be able to officiate.

Then we found out that my friend was facing a personally challenging time, as well. Did I dare add additional stress to his life by asking him to officiate? I hoped he would see it as the great honor that we meant it to be, but I worried that it would unnecessarily complicate his life (though as we know, a wedding is not an imposition).

Much to my relief, he agreed to officiate (after quickly becoming a minister of the Universal Life Church Monastery), on the condition that Eric and I put together the ceremony so that he would simply serve as its Master of Ceremonies and organizer.

And what an MC he was! He knew well how long and circuitous the journey to this particular moment had been - his voice cracked with emotion more frequently than mine! To me, that truly honored the gravity of the commitment we were making, far more than someone whose experience with such ceremonies would cause them to be practiced and smooth. I feel privileged knowing we are (probably) the only people ever to have the honor of being married by this friend.

And, I will have to start studying hard to repay my debt in kind: do you know, he asked after the ceremony, how difficult it will be will be to find a rabbi for my son's bar mitzvah?

Gifts for girls and grooms

As I've mentioned before, when I'm stressed I shop. As the length of my To Do list increases, the siren call of Etsy increase proportionally.

Mmmmm.... everyone needs a clutch, right?

FIAZCO

FIAZCO

And I want my guy to be able to find his way home, where ever we may roam:

skinnerstudio

Would that I had planned ahead enough (always my downfall!) to have ordered these from Anne Holman.

Ah ha! Lucky me! dlkdesigns does RUSH ORDERS for overwhelmed brides like me! Woo-hoo!

No naked bridesmaids

FINALLY, after interminable email discussions, we found a dress that suits the color, style, and price requirements of all involved. I can't begin to imagine how long reaching consensus would have taken if I had more than TWO special ladies.

Here's the ironic thing: I didn't want to choose a dress for them. I felt funny telling grownups what to wear, when, after years of experimentation, they know what suits them best.

I suggested that they just each choose a lovely, floaty/ non-shiny dress in one of the wedding colors. But they insisted that I choose the dress - while maintaining veto power, because of the aforementioned hard-earned knowledge. That made for a lot of back and forth negotiations, and some near meltdowns on my part. ("What?!?!? They won't bend to my iron fashion will??!??! Are they really my friends??!?!?!")

Thank you, Anthropologie! Your half price sales are the salvation of girls everywhere with champagne tastes and beer budgets.

Contagious

Ha! He's caught the shopping bug. Mr. Barefoot is scrolling through potential gifts for the ushers.*

toybreaker

toybreaker

Rabbitstop

He's even looking at gifts for the ladies!

toybreaker

That's my guy!!!

*Our inclusive wedding entourage consists of a whole mess o' ushers, both male and female, some of whom double as readers, and two Women of Honor. We had to bend the system to our situation. Some of Mr. Barefoot's closest friends are women; he has no siblings. Two of my most important people are my brothers (no sisters). I have two very dear friends from college; Mr. Barefoot has a circle of friends and didn't want to choose just one best man. Plus, we wanted to involve lots of our friends in the wedding. What to do? Co-ed usher-readers, and two special Women of Honor.

More hair wear

From Handle & Spout, via Mighty Girl.

So cute, fun and festive!

Maybe I should have the wedding entourage wear these, rather than carry flowers?

Anyone every DIY something like this? It seems like it wouldn't be too hard...

Then again, I'm all about getting other people to do things for me, and they are certainly not expensive.

Handy Eco-chic Planning Guide

(Cute and springy from Stewart + Brown,
purveyors of organic cotton and other sustainable clothing.)

This planning guide incorporates environmental and sustainability concerns into questions to ask vendors.

Also includes Day-of reminder lists.

Handy!

Darling dresses

from Saks

Totally perfect! But at $320, perhaps a little steep for some of my gals.

I'm beginning to have a vision of the Wedding Crew. We've decided to involve a bunch of people, in various roles. I think we'd all look a bit more organized and coordinated if we had similar dresses and colors, so I've been hunting for reasonably priced cocktail dresses that would echo the v-neck and ruffles of my gown, in bright punchy colors.

Calvin Klein, from Bloomingdales. So cute, and only $130! That will make me popular :)



Bloomingdales, my go-to place for party dresses, has Amsale dress I've been looking for. I love the color and flowy-ness of this one.



Another possibility, also from Bloomies.



*******

Eds. update: My BFF thinks that these floaty no-waist dresses will make her look pregnant again, which, after 2 kids, she has no intention of being! Mmmm... yeah, that was my lame-ass way of asking her to be in the wedding: asking her what sort of dress she'd like to wear. We both knew that she'd be standing beside me - we've been friends for more than 20 years (um yeah, I'm that old) - but I wish I'd done something a little more special. There's still time, I suppose. Thank goodness I didn't settle on one of these dresses!

Does your life have an Emcee?

Maybe your life is more grand and organized than mine.

Maybe your butler announces your arrival at home.

Maybe you are proceeded wherever you go by a man with a microphone announcing "And now, let's welcome Lacey as she sits down prepare a report!"

But for me, such drama seems a little over-the-top.

So why would I want an emcee announcing my every move at the wedding???

I want my wedding to be a fancy, wow-she-cleans-up-really-well verison of my regular life, which decidedly does not include a butler or an announcer.

As you might have guessed, we are in the considering-musical-options stage. Our first idea was to have a friend's band play - how fun! how local! how keeping-it-in-the-family! We didn't know if we could afford them, but the point turned out to be moot: they'll be touring the East Coast in Oct. (So be on the look out for Poor Man's Whiskey if you're out east, or anywhere else, for that matter. We recently saw them at the Great American Music Hall in SF, and they were a BLAST!)

Ok, on to DJ options. Mr. Barefoot did some web research, consulted Here Comes the Guide, and presented a list for my consideration. I found several of them too cheezy to consider further - what is all this talk of emcees stage-managing every moment of the event? One wanted us to fill out a minute-by-minute chart of where the guests would be and what they'd be doing, so that the DJ could "keep them moving" on to the next part of the event.

I know that day-of schedules are the sort of thing that bridal mags and The Knot et al advise you to do, but we're much more ah... organic (some would say chronologically-challenged) than that. I don't prepare a minute-by-minute schedule for a cocktail or dinner party, so why would I make one for my wedding? (Maybe I should. If I'm over-looking something on this account, I'd be grateful if you'd advise me.)

Refusing companies that required detailed schedules, or gave any indication that they might play the dreaded Chicken Dance, or even hinted that they might announce a garter removal or bouquet toss, narrowed down our options considerably: to 2.

If anyone out there has a good line on a non-cheezy DJ or a cool affordable band in the Bay Area, do be so kind as to let me know.

Woof!

BARK cufflinks! Too cute!
From blockpartypress, via Project: 10K Wedding.
Perfect for those outdoorsy groomsmen!


And BARK rings!
from bcyrjewelry via Project: 10K Wedding.
If we hadn't already picked out our rings, I'd be all over these. Maybe we should get 'em anyway. They're beautiful, and a great reminder of the constancy and change that is a tree - and a relationship.

Bridesmaids, old maid

The amazing thing about planning a wedding is the endless number of details for my monkey mind to fuss with. I thought after the date/ location/ caterer/ dress decisions were made that I would clear my head and return to my regularly-scheduled dissertation writing. But now I'm thinking about bridesmaids: whether to have them, what they should wear, how coordinated it should be.

My two closest friends from college, along with my two brothers, are obvious choices to stand with me while I'm getting married. I was "Best Woman" for each of those friends. Each of them got married a decade ago, and now they have small children. It feels almost unseemly to dictate what my fully grown up friends would wear at my wedding. The practical trend is for brides to ask their friends to choose a color, and all wear dresses in that color - ideally black, because everyone has a great black dress.

The problem is, I don't really want people wearing black - I love color! And, I bought pastel-colored dresses for my friends weddings. Matching - or at least coordinated - bridesmaids look pretty in photographs. Despite everyone's conviction that those dresses were 'so wearable,' I never wore them again (well, formally. One of them did become my Halloween 'forest sprite' costume. Actually, I got quite a lot of mileage out of it as a costume.)

I've been scoping out bridesmaid's dresses, looking for a cut/ feel that is similar in style to my dress, in a brighter color. I'm loving Amsale's bridesmaids dresses. These options echo the v-neck and ruffle of my dress, and I love the bright colors. They look sophisticated enough to *actually* be worn again. Now, if I could just figure out where they're sold, and how much they cost (I don't want to ask my friends to spend big bucks, when they'll also be traveling). It appears that all the boutiques that carry them are in SoCal.

This LuluKate dress is adorable, too, but maybe tricky to get, since it would have to be ordered online, and there's no way to try it on first and make sure that it's flattering.

Decisions, decisions...

All this points to the general conundrum at the center of my wedding planning: do I keep it simple, low-key, practical as I do with much of the rest of my life, and as the books and blogs tell me is appropriate for a Grown-up Bride (gak! they'd put me is a simple yet elegant suit in front of a judge at the courthouse!), or do I indulge the whims and fancies of the Inner Bride who has waited a helluva long time for this event, and wants it to be a total blowout celebration?

These two positions are not mutually exclusive, of course, and much of what we will do at the ceremony and reception reflects the practical, socially- and ecologically-conscious perspective. We don't want to have an enormous ecological footprint with this event, and we want it to reflect our values, so no random geegaws that the Wedding Industrial Complex says we have to have (see bunting, Unity Candle, aisle runner, favors that are not edible or useful). At the same time, aesthetics and fashion are important to me, and I want it to look, feel, and most of all, be, great fun!